I owed them an apology.

You could say I lost it.

My husband made a small comment about the status of the-- clutter-dirty-messy-ish-ness of our house...

And I went on a rampage. I started tossing toys, candy wrappers, shoes, broken pencils, popsicle-stick-art-projects... And tender emotions-- into the garbage.

I said (or...um...maybe ranted) things like:

How many times do I need to remind you to hang the jackets up as soon as we walk in the door?

Do you think I enjoy scratching stickers off of windows !?!

Why in the world would you clean your rock collection in the bathroom sink--that is the only bathroom I actually got cleaned today!?!

Really??? You thought that was clean--clearly that shirt needs to be washed !?!

Really??? You thought that was dirty--do you think I have time to wash clean clothes !?!

And on...and on...and on.... And on.

They stared at me with confused, blank, teary faces. I wish I could say that I turned things around before bedtime.

But it wasn't until the next morning that I was ready to face who am I when I don't let the love of Christ control me. I couldn't avoid the mantra that kept playing over and over in my mind:

...for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God...

~James 1:19

We just studied that passage. But why am I continually the one who--

...looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like?

~James 1:24

I want to be the one who--

...looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres,

being no hearer who forgets, but a doer who acts.

~James 1:25

And so came the next morning. And at breakfast I asked for their forgiveness.

Me: "I just want to tell you that I shouldn't have said those things in the way I said them last night."

Our child who is most like me: "But you did..."

Me: "I know...and I'm really sorry...will you forgive me?"

Thankfully, there was a resounding YES and hugs and much grace given. But I read this recently in Nancy Wilson's book Building Her House and it was so convicting:

A child growing up in a home filled with

selfishness, criticism, impatience, and bitterness

does not flourish...

(parents) fail to realize how potent their words and actions are,

for good or ill...

Nothing we do is neutral;

it will either feed and nourish or starve and impoverish.

It's easy to excuse the outburst or criticism with so many rationalizations.

But--there is a difference between patient teaching-training and frustrated criticism. And there is no excuse for sin. And that's really what it is. And the kids can see them-- Those rats in my cellar...

Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard

is the best evidence

for what sort of man he is?

Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?

If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.

But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding.

In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man;

it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.

~ C.S. Lewis

I don't want to be a wife and mommy who tears down my house with my own hands (Proverbs 14:1).

Praise God who gives grace and forgiveness. Praise God who redeems my failures. Praise God who changes hearts and heals hurts. Praise God...who sees the rats in my cellar...and still doesn't give up on me.

My prayer for today and tomorrow...and pretty much forever--

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

be acceptable in Your sight,

O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

*Photo courtesy of Beverly and Pack.

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