If You Feel Like You're Back at the Beginning

Sometimes the end of the school year can bring us all the way back to the beginning.

When I began homeschooling, I wanted my kids to enjoy the experience, to discover and grow with wonder, but I also wanted them to excel. I wanted, like many moms do, to know I was doing an okay job at this new gig and for me, that actually meant “do better than every one else.” That was the honest state of my heart. 

I was consumed by the fear of of how I would measure up in others’ eyes. I was, in many ways, using my children and how well they were doing as a means for approval from others around me and as a marker of my own self worth.These are big confessions. I’m thankful this isn’t me anymore. I’m thankful that the course of the life in our home has shifted from one of performance to one of grace…often messy grace.

I'm sure that these kinds of fears and matters of the heart afflict all of us- regardless of the way we educate our babes, where we live, what the rhythms of our homes look like. All of us mamas long to do this job well, don't we? And in June, many of us are longing for a season of rest and hope and sunshine to restore our souls, but maybe that's because we feel like we're we back at the beginning- and we're hungry for a fresh start?

This post is for those of you bound by perfection, or striving for it. For those of you who are fearful each day when you wake up that every step you make has to be the right one. For those of you that are planning to embarking on homeschooling again, or maybe for the first time ever this fall and are right now diving into every catalog and curriculum magazine you can get your hands on to be sure you are choosing the perfect fit for your children. I know this.  I know how you love your family to overflowing and just want to do this job well. I know how tired and worn you feel carrying the weight of training sweet babes and creating a home.

I know how this worry of getting it all right can knaw at you and become the foundation, even unknowingly, for all you do with your children each day. 

When your plans crumple, when you are ready to give up control, when you become depressed as you realize you won’t ever measure up to your own expectations…If you feel like you are back at the beginning, starting all over again, in the process of tearing down an unsure foundation, know this: you are seen and known by a gracious God.He promises to rebuild,and get this: He does it for you. You can rest. You can trust him. 

I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise, 

your foundations with saphires. 

I will make your battlements of rubies, 

        your gates of sparkling jewels, 

and all your walls of precious stones. 

  All your children will be taught by the LORD, 

 and great will be their peace. 

     ~Isaiah 54: 11-13

I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your heart and your journey and the beautiful chaos that will ensue this year. I’m praying that you know deep down in the hidden places of your being that you are defined by whose you are, and not  by what you do. The perfection and righteousness of Christ is enough, even though alone we never will be. He will show us where to invest, where to labor, where to let go. I’m praying that we can all cling to him and be at rest, that we will let him build anew.