“I am so sorry.”
Once again I lay on the ultrasound table staring through tear-filled eyes at the doctor. She had no explanation, but to tell me that my child’s heart had suddenly stopped at twenty weeks.
“I just doesn’t understand why,” she said. “I am so sorry.” Just like that, I was thrown back into familiar territory – for the fifth time.
I had become terrified to hear the words, “I am so sorry.” And rightfully so.
Every woman who has had a miscarriage knows there is a groaning and an aching that comes not from labor pains, but from losing a child. I have felt the pain of the labor of four children who I cherish, but I have also felt the pain of losing five more, that I have not yet met.
I trusted God so deeply, but I knew my trust in Him didn't guarantee me a child. I trusted God the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth time. And it still happened.
Why God?
Many of us who have experienced heartache and pain ask God why? But what do you do, when like me, your questions return void?
Psalm 119:105 says, "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
When the Psalmist penned these words he likely had a picture in his mind of something we would only understand if we traveled back to that time.
Several thousand years ago an ancient oil lamp was used to light the way when you were traveling in the dark. That lamp was very small, barely covering one palm. It had a small opening at the very end where only a small flicker of light could escape, barely penetrating the darkness.
I can only imagine that they would have to hold it close to the ground to even see where they were going….literally having just enough light to take that next step.
The Psalmist is saying here that God’s word is that light for us.
Though the darkness around me can feel great and the flicker of light is very, very, small, God's Word is enough for me to continue walking. His Word illuminates our path, sheds light on His character, His promises, and His plans.
It has been over 5 years since my last miscarriage and I can look back now and say with confidence that God used my experiences to shape and mold me into who He wants me to be. I know that in God’s economy, no tear is wasted; no pain is unseen; no heartache goes unnoticed; no agony is unobserved.
Perhaps you read this today and you too have experienced a miscarriage. It might be new and scary and heartbreaking or it might be a loss from years ago. No matter what heartache you have experienced, God has a plan.
Even if you can barely see, He has a path lit for you. Keep walking. Keep being faithful to Him. As you walk with God, you never truly walk in the dark.
Looking beyond the pain, I can walk with Jesus through afflictions and into the arms of the Father, all the while trusting that the woman I am now is not the same woman I will be at the end of my journey.
Thank God.
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