Cleaning House: 4 Things We Can Toss Out in Parenting
I spent 5 hours with my teen cleaning out her room on January 1st. Clearly, we know how to party.
She was turning 16 that week and she wanted a more grown-up space. But we knew we had to get rid of old things to make room for new. We couldnโt believe how much stuff she had collected and held onto. We laughed at the 5th grade school projects, old journals and too small clothes.
This is a part of lifeโletting go and getting rid of what doesnโt work (or fit) any longer so we can make room for something new, better.
I want to raise grateful kids, but we live in an entitled world. So how do we swim upstream against the strong current of excess? We do the same thing in our parenting that we do in our home when we recognize we have too much stuff. We clean house and get rid of it.
Here are 4 things we can toss out:
Handout Mentality
A couple of years ago in December, I got behind with all the holiday busyness, and when I finally had a chance to sit down and wrap a couple of Christmas gifts, it was already late in the season.
โMom, when are you taking us shopping to buy gifts for you and Dad?โ one of my kids asked.
โDo you have money to buy gifts?โ I asked.
โWell, I was thinking you could give us money to, um, buy your gifts,โ came the answer.
As a part of our familyโs economic plan, we give our kids money every month if they complete their assigned chores. After they give a percentage into their savings and tithe, we stress that this money can be spent however they want. When I reminded my daughter of this, she said, โOh, I wanted to buy a cute Christmas shirt with my money.โ Ah, choices.
When I polled my other two kids, they were also short on funds and big on expectations. Now, I didnโt want to rob my kids of the opportunity to give gifts to others. But I also refuse to rob them of the privilege of hard work because thatโs when the joy of giving is revealed. I hired them for some jobs around the house, and when they shopped and used their own money, it made all the difference.
If we hand out money freely, most kids will take it, and it wonโt take long for them to acquire the habit of keeping their hands out for more. If we require a little sweat and hard work, we are beginning to do away with the โyou owe meโ mentality.
Goody Bag Mentality
My first two kids are barely two years apart. On our daughterโs fourth birthday, our son was nearly two. I didnโt want him to feel bad that she was getting gifts and he was not (in other words, I didnโt want him to have a tantrum), so I gave him a gift on her birthday. But a couple of months later, she expected one on his birthday. I had created a monster of a problem and put a stop to it.
Itโs okay for our kids not to be rewarded all the time. Goody bags at birthday parties are harmless, but if the mentality behind giving these party favors is to not make kids feel bad, then maybe we are missing the point. And itโs not just birthday partiesโit is school parties, holidays, soccer parties, you name it. We constantly reward our kids with trinkets they donโt need and that eventually end up in the garbage. The message we send our kids every day is about more, more, moreโand it doesnโt take long for a special treat to become an expected one.
Constant Praise
I think telling our kids theyโve done a good job when they have is great. Itโs the overpraising that comes off as artificial and disingenuous and causes more harm than good. I know Iโve been guilty of saying, โGood jobโ and โYouโre the best!โ when their attempt was just average.
Itโs more helpful to replace constant praise with encouragement. One definition of the word praise suggests that praise glorifies; by comparison, encouragement inspires.
Recurring Rescue
Itโs natural from the beginning of our parenting journey for us to see ourselves as the rescuers and our kids as the rescued. We want to take care of our children.
Part of our job is to reassure our kids that we will be there for them, and we are, but the rest of the job requires that we walk away. Kids will continue to let us rescue them if we continue to rush to their side.
As hard as it may be, we have to let our kids fail. Itโs the only way they truly learn how to succeed. Self-sufficiency is as natural as those first baby steps. Donโt be afraid to let them take these steps, and when they fall or fail (they will do both), itโs okay to let them stand back up by themselves. It starts with saying no and following through, and then backing away and letting them learn how to navigate the world on their own.
Renovating and redirecting can be a slow hard process that takes time and consistency. Donโt give up! Youโll love the space your intentional parenting creates!
Blessings,
Kristen Welch
Kristen Welch blogs at wearethatfamily.com where she shares about parenting, marriage and inspirational encouragement. Her family founded Mercy House, a non-profit that empowers impoverished and oppressed women around the world. Kristen is an author and her newest book is Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World.
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