When Communication Is Broken In Your Marriage

It was our first Christmas together and we had been married just shy of a year. Christmas Eve was spent alone, just the two of us, as we dined on prime rib and Yorkshire pudding. I was giddy with excitement and anticipation. Guy and I agreed to open stockings after dinner, and I couldn’t wait to see what thoughtful gifts my husband had chosen for me. Guy urged me to go first and I eagerly reached inside and pulled out a garish red feather boa flecked with sequins. While I thought that was odd, I wasn’t prepared for the silly gag gifts and cheap dime-store gadgets that I opened, one after the other. Fighting back tears, I forced a smile, but Guy was no dummy. He easily read the look of confusion and disappointment on my face. His stocking was brimming with expensive cologne, movie theater tickets, and his favorite treats. It was one of those moments where our ideas of “fun” stocking items meant one thing to me and another thing to Guy.

The Christmas of 2006 wasn’t the last time our communication broke down. Guy and I aren’t the only ones who credit broken miscommunication as one of our biggest triggers.

Broken communication is a result of broken people. Understanding that opens our hearts to demonstrating grace toward our spouses.

As much as I want to be the best wife I can be, I’m a sinner--and so is Guy. In those earlier years of our marriage, our angry reactions to conflict turned adversarial or hurtful. They should have been opportunities to learn about one another and grow in grace. Some of the biggest issues relating to poor communication include:

• Bottling feelings instead of talking about them

• Tone of voice that is angry or rude

• Nagging

• Ignoring

• Passive-aggressive behavior

• Being distracted by devices

• Making assumptions

• Feeling unheard

• Not following through on agreements

• Arguing to win instead of talking to problem solve

• Name-calling

• Foul language

• Texting instead of talking

• Hearing but not listening

It’s enough to throw our hands up in the air in defeat. But don’t despair, the Bible has all the answers to all our communication triggers. No matter how challenging your specific communication issues are, there is always hope for improvement if both husband and wife are willing to try.

When we begin to take one another for granted or harp on our spouses, we are not treating each other as we would want to be treated. Matthew 7:12 (ESV) says, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Notice, the verse does not say we should yell, throw a fit, retreat, and sulk, or gossip to others about our husbands or wives. When Guy and I are in the middle of a disagreement, the Holy Spirit often enters my thinking and prompts my heart with this question, “Amber, do you want to win, or do you want love to win?”

When we live selflessly, we make a point to set down our phones, speak kindly, and listen intently. It matters to us how we come across to our husbands or wives. We long to know what they are thinking and to share our hearts mutually on deep levels. When both couples put on this attitude, love wins. Angry reactions give way to gentle biblical responses. This requires that both couples be reasonable and express a caring attitude, even when they disagree on an issue.

Before we go any further, some of us have a choice to make.

Are you willing to make your marriage better? Is there a desire within you to believe the best is yet to come? Will you allow the Holy Spirit to help you heal from broken communication? And are you open to putting some of these biblical insights into practice?

If so, then you are positioned to reach the wonderful potential God has in store for your marriage.

A good foundational truth for healthy communication is found in Matthew 15:18 (NIV). The apostle writes, “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” As much as we would like to point fingers and focus on how to fix our spouse, the truth of the matter is that we can only change ourselves. This verse reveals to us where broken communication begins: in our own hearts. The things we say, or don’t say, flow from our hearts. Dark heart. Dark words. Kind heart. Kind words. Resentful heart. Resentful words. Godly thinking. Godly communication. That’s why Guy and I wrote our book, Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. We know that the 31 different triggers toward marriage we cover in the pages of our book don’t have to impact our relationships negatively. 

When it comes to broken communication, the only way for a heart to be transformed is by committing to reading our Bibles and applying what we read. I wish I could give you three easy things to say or do to guarantee perfect communication in your marriage, but the answer is that both husbands and wives need to have daily time in the Word of God and in prayer.

When relationship triggers jostle us, whatever is in our hearts will spill out. 

It’s hard to break old habits. Instead of being quick to anger and starting a yelling match with one another, Guy and I have learned to say, outside of times of conflict, “Babe, I have something on my mind, when is a good time for you in the next few days that we can take half an hour to chat?” When we do come together, our tone and demeanor make all the difference. We speak from a place of trying to solve a problem instead of speaking with an accusatory tone or with a desire to win an argument. We even give each other permission to say things that make us stop in our tracks when we feel triggered. One of us will say, “Hey, Babe, can you say that a little differently?” or “Can we lighten up this conversation? I think we are going down a wrong path with our tone here.” It’s like a little white flag of surrender, allowing us both the chance to calm down and settle our emotions before we explode. Sometimes we simply say, “I’m not ready to talk. Can we discuss it after the kids go to school?” When two people are willing to communicate with honesty, patience, empathy, and grace, they experience the blessings of obeying God’s commands--the blessings of a peaceful and loving marriage.

When Guy and I look back on that first Christmas together as husband and wife, we can’t help but laugh. Nowadays, he knows the kinds of gifts I hope for in my stocking, but nothing compares to the gift of his willingness to communicate with me, openly and honestly. We urge you to be prayerful, to believe the best about one another, and to commit to communicating in ways that bring you together. A happy marriage where communication thrives is a reward you can enjoy now, but the messages you send to one another supersede good communication. They convey your willingness to fulfill the eternal purpose of your life, to love God and to love others.

If your own marriage is struggling, have hope! Guy and I are a perfect example of how God can change us and redeem any relationship for His glory. Don’t live triggered. Let God turn your marriage, triumphant!

Blessings,

Amber Lia

Grab your copy of Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses here.