Why You Can’t Totally Shake the Mom Guilt and How to Control It

I remember it well. I was sitting in my home office (i.e. my master bedroom) cross-legged on my bed, typing into my computer for an impending work deadline. 

My kids were in the living room with a babysitter watching movies, playing, or whatever else would keep them from interrupting my work that afternoon.

That’s when I saw it. 

Tiny, chubby little fingers reaching across the carpet underneath the bedroom door. I heard a giggle, and then a faint three year old voice, “Mama - I want you.”

That’s when I felt it. 

Guilt. Mom guilt. Because I was in the bedroom, and they weren’t. I was the one who was supposed to be out there with them, instead of the college-aged kid simply needing extra cash. I was the one who should be enjoying their giggles, reprimanding their not-so-great actions, and caring for their needs.

Mom guilt is just what it sounds like. It’s the feeling of guilt — or the berating from ourselves or from others — for the way we parent… or don’t parent. This includes everything from the way we talk to our children to the decisions we make that affect their lives. 

Mom guilt can show up unexpectedly and quickly and in a wide variety of situations. Like when my 3 year old daughter stuck her hand under my “office” door to try and get my attention.

I wanted and needed to get my work done. It’s why I hired a babysitter. But I also wanted and needed to be with my children. They also wanted and needed me.

As I sat there, I wondered why I chose to accept the job. Was the money worth it? Was the time worth it? Was it all worth it?

I could justify either way. 

When we can argue and justify any decision in parenting, we often can see how sneaky and powerful mom guilt is.

It seems us moms are always facing some degree of mom guilt. We just can’t seem to shake it away. 

We can’t shake the mom guilt because of expectations.

The reason we struggle with mom guilt boils down to expectations. Expectations we put on ourselves, on others or what others put on us. Sure, we want to do and be all the things to everyone, but we can’t.

When we don’t meet these expectations, we are bombarded with emotions. 

Mom guilt is cruel, but the good news is that it grows from something we can control.

We control this guilt by making sure expectations we set align with our reality. And not just our day-to-day reality, but the reality of who Christ says we are and what He has called us to do or handle.

In fact, I’ve come to learn that Jesus doesn’t expect much out of us at all on our own.

He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and on them he has set the world. (1 Samuel 2:8)

He doesn’t expect much out of us because He knows we are nothing more than dust without Him. He is the one who raises us up, who lifts the needy and sits us with royalty.

If all He expects from us is to love Him and love others (Matthew 22: 36-40), then why do we expect so much more from ourselves and others? 

Would we set unrealistic expectations on our kids or spouses if we knew they would not hit the mark?

No, because we love them and want them to succeed.

Jesus did that for us and we need to do the same for ourselves.

The greatest thing we can do to maintain realistic expectations and control the mom guilt is to offer grace to ourselves and others and set realistic expectations for ourselves.

Grace to not live up to unrealistic expectations. Because when we offer grace, we offer Jesus. And Jesus is the only one who can shake that guilt off of us. 

Much love, Mama … May you experience the grace of realistic expectations today.

Blessings,

Kristin | MoreforMomBook.com | KristinFunston.com