Hard Places in Adoption … and How Prayer Changes Things

No one would argue the fact that in our marriage John is more realistic, and I’m more idealistic. This is true when it comes to time and money—I always believe both will stretch more than they do. This has also been true of adoption, especially when it comes to adopting teens. I always believed deep down that as hard as things were everything would work out in the end.

From the beginning of our adoption journey, John reminded me it wouldn’t be easy. After all, our kids had childhoods marked with trauma before they entered our home. I’d nod as he reminded me of those things, but deep down I believed the right therapy, the right environment, and all the right love would bring miraculous transformations. And all these have in a way, but the fact is no matter how many right things I do it doesn’t erase what my kids have been through. More than that, my right actions as a mom do not equal my children making good choices as they near or enter adulthood—that’s never guaranteed for any parent.

“Even if they turn eighteen and walk away from us, they’ll always know our love and hopefully God’s love,” John would tell me. I’d smile and agree, but still, I had unrealistic expectations. I couldn’t imagine after all I was pouring into these kids that they’d choose anything other than to stick around and accept the love and help we offered as parents.

There were three things I hadn’t taken into account though. First, healing from past trauma takes longer than anticipated. I believe now that the only place my children will be fully healed is in heaven. The pain they faced on so many levels has changed how they developed mentally, emotionally, and even physically. It was foolish of me to think that the four years in our home could undo the twelve, thirteen or fourteen years of battering done to their minds, hearts, souls, and bodies.

And second, sometimes actions or reactions aren’t something kids from hard places can control. Kids from hard places have learned to fight, freeze or flee as a way to protect themselves, and they may continue to do so in any situation they perceive as unsafe. Triggers don’t make sense to observers, but they set off very real emotions—emotions that are hard for anyone to control, especially young adults.

Finally, every young adult makes mistakes—adopted or not. I made stupid and destructive decisions when I was a teen and young adult, and I didn’t face even of the fraction of the hurtful experiences that my kids faced. No matter how well we parent, kids—all kids—must make their own choices. And very often they make poor ones.

I’ve been thinking about all these things because I do have teens and young adults making choices I don’t agree with. I ache because no matter how much I want to fix things, I can’t. I ache because even though my husband tried to be realistic, I’m a happily-ever-after girl at heart.

And yet today is not “the end.”

As I’ve been pouring out prayers for all my kids, God’s Spirit has reminded me of this: “Answered prayers aren’t quick fixes.” I may not see good outcomes from my prayers in a week, in a year, or even in my lifetime, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t effective. As James 5:16 says, “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (NLT). Sometimes those “results” will be in and with my kids … but always they can be in me.

You see, even as I pray for my kids, I am the one who is being transformed. The mere fact that I’m choosing to pray is growing my faith. Faith-filled people pray because they believe it makes a difference.

Every hard place in adoption has caused me to look beyond myself for answers. Every disappointing decision made has caused me to turn to God, in whom I trust. And this makes me realistic, too.

Expecting any of my kids to always make good choices is idealistic: unrealistically aiming for perfection. Yet putting my trust in God, who is perfection, helps my reality. I am changed when I turn my worries into trust. I do believe that God will never leave or forsake my children, no matter the wrong choices they make.

In the end, I still may be overly optimistic about how much time and money can stretch. But I can put all my trust in the fact that God will finish the good work He’s started in my family—in them and in me. And today, I have peace in that fact.

Praying for you,
Tricia Goyer

Hear more from Tricia every week on Walk It Out with Tricia Goyer.