Five Things to Remember When Your Child Makes a Bad Choice

Before I became a mom, I had this nifty little equation cemented in my mind when I was first a mom. It went like this: crying baby = bad mom. There were also other things that equaled a bad mom. A toddler throwing a tantrum. A bully on the kindergarten playground who pushed another child down. A preteen with an attitude who rolled her eyes at an adult and flippantly said, “What-evvvver” when being asked to do something. A teen that broke the rules. Or broke the law. All of these things I felt could be traced directly back to the child having a bad mom.

Well, at least one of my children has done all of the above! I guess that puts me in bold contention for the worst mom of the year. Or decade.

Oh, my. Or does it?

Over the years I have learned a crucial lesson: your child’s bad choice does not make you a bad mom. However, when they do make a bad choice—which they often will—what are some principles to keep in mind? Here are five I have learned.

1. It is a parent’s duty to teach their children about the Lord and what he requires.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 shows this concept:

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. (Deuteronomy 11:18–21)

So today we might think of it this way: Talk about God’s laws and what he has done in your life. When you eat a formal dinner or just sit and snack in the living room. When you are driving in the car or waiting in line in the carpool. Text biblical encouragement to them when they are away with their friends. Work a verse into your conversation as you are tucking them in at night. Anything you can do to get the Word of God in front of their eyes, wafting into their ears, and solidified in their hearts. Our kids need to know what is required of them by God so they can learn to make decisions according to his ways.

2. It is a parent’s duty to model for their children a growing relationship with Jesus and what he provides.

Just knowing what God requires of us isn’t enough. Our kids must know where (or better yet to whom) to go to be empowered to live the Christian life. Don’t be a private Christ-follower, never allowing your kids to see your relationship with him up close. Allow them to get a glimpse of what a real walk with Christ looks like.

Talk with them about your relationship with God. What are you learning as you read your Bible today? Of course, if your children are very small, you may have to break it down for them, telling them only the very basics of the biblical truth and giving it to them on a level they can understand. Seeing you be excited about what the Bible says and how it is coming to life for you can be contagious. Your children will get infected early with the Bible bug!

3. If our children misbehave when they are small, it might be due in part to our lack of instruction.

Yes. There is truth to the statement that if a young child misbehaves in some situations, it might be due in part to the lack of training by a parent. Is four-year-old Junior helping himself to some candy-striped gum at the store, pocketing it without paying a penny? Well, if mom and dad never taught him that such behavior is against the law, then of course they helped to bring about the sticky situation of this Juicy Fruit juvenile. Misbehaving and out-of-control young children are sometimes due in part to lackadaisical parenting. However, the older the child gets, the more responsibility must be put on his or her shoulders. When you have been diligent to teach your child right from wrong and they are a preteen or older, resist the urge to label yourself a bad mom if they make a wrong choice.

4. If our children do wrong when they are preteens, teens, or adults, we should help to guide them back to the right path without beating ourselves up for the wrong turn they took.

Oh, this is so hard! Our human nature wants to lash out, to holler and scream, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!” Chances are, they weren’t. Teens—especially of the male sort—don’t always think before they act. In fact, the decision-making part of their brain isn’t fully developed until they are about twenty-five years old! We expect them to make decisions as we would—we who are adults, with experience, and fully developed brains. But they don’t always. We must help to correct them. Dish out consequences too. But we must not beat ourselves up over their bad choices.

It doesn’t mean we wink at their wrongdoing, passing it off as no big deal. It does mean we fight the urge to blow up and shame, condemn and reject.

One of my friends found out her college-age daughter was pregnant out of wedlock, the result of a bad decision one night at a party with a guy she barely knew. As this friend wisely told me, “When you want them the least is when they need you the most.”

I’m so thankful that we are not bad moms just because our child makes a bad choice. It is hard enough to deal with our own choices sometimes. Besides, think of it this way—if you are directly and solely responsible for your child’s bad behavior, then is the flip side also true? Should you take credit for their good and godly choices? No. Anything good and godly in my kids finds all the credit goes to God. They make the right choices despite my being their parent because I am imperfect.

Which leads us to the last, and perhaps most important. point …

5. Raise your children on your knees.

This often overlooked. Especially if you are a “doer.” Doers like to do. Moms who are doers think they should not just sit there but should do something. Sometimes prayer feels like just sitting there. But we have to get this notion out of our brains. Prayer is the most crucial thing when it comes to raising our children.

Mom, God is greater than the fallout from the choices of your child. Do not tether your identity to their choices—whether stellar or stupid. Their choices—and their behavior—are their own.

Commit today to raise your children on your knees. Going to God in times of crisis and in times of joy helps to solidify our relationship with him and helps to bring about change in the life of our children.

So remember, pray, mom, PRAY!

Karen Ehman