How to Keep Love Alive with a House Full of Kids

Marriage is a challenge. Having time for intimacy with your spouse can be too. John and I have been married thirty-one years, and the priorities we've created to "keep love alive" have benefitted our marriage.

The closeness we've established has provided us with a habit of drawing close, even during challenging times in our lives. It hasn't been easy to take time for each other, but it’s been worth it. Here are ways you can also keep love alive with a house full of kids.

1. Set boundaries.

I was an eighteen-year-old teen mom when John and I started dating. Our newlywed years included a toddler! Since I was a single mom at first, Cory was used to sleeping in bed with me, but things had to change once I got married. John and I set up boundaries right from the beginning.

• No kids in our bed.

• When our son was old enough to try to open the bedroom door, we locked it.           

For me—and many women—feeling the freedom to be intimate with your spouse is important. We can’t relax if we worry a child is going to walk in at any moment! A few years in, John and I even started sleeping naked. Without that layer of clothes, a sense of closeness is fostered, even on nights when we go straight to sleep.

2. Keep distractions at bay.

Within three years of marriage, John and I had two additional kids. More kids mean more distractions and work, which also could have meant less time together. So we developed positive habits to ensure our evenings provided space and time for togetherness.

• We always go to bed at the same time. And we try to make that not too late.

• We never put a television in our bedroom. I insist on this. I'm not a TV person, and I know it can be a bad habit to have it on and miss moments of connection and intimacy.

• We put electronics out of reach from the bed. We refuse to let social media, news stories, and scrolling rob our time together. 

3. Make each other a priority no matter the number of people in the home.

Ten years into our marriage, my grandparents came to live with us. John and I helped care for my grandfather for the last four months of his life. Even after he passed away, my grandmother stayed with us. She has lived with us ever since, for over 22 years!

Then, when our youngest child was 15-years-old, and the older two were in college, we started adopting kids. We’ve adopted seven kids, and now our kids are between the ages of 32 to 10-years-old!

If John and I hadn't prioritized each other, we would not have survived as a couple. Some of our kids have even attempted to pit us against each other, yet it's our habit of coming together to talk, to be vulnerable, and to be intimate that has kept us close.

4. Foster the relationship.

Sex and intimacy are more than just physical feelings of pleasure. Unity through sex has also led to intimacy in every part of our lives. So how do we foster our relationship, especially since we still have five kids and Grandma in the house? 

• We go on date nights 2-3 times a month.

• We go on a more extended couple getaway of 5-7 days every year.

• We take time to listen to each other's worries and problems.

• We commit to parenting together, including family dinners, evening game or movie nights, and weekend adventures.

• We support each other’s dreams and goals.

 All these years later, John and I still go to bed at the same time every night, our door is still locked, and we still sleep naked. But, because we've fostered our intimacy, I feel comfortable with John in every situation. I know the daily focus on being together has made all the difference. Our times of closeness have led to intimacy in everyday life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What boundaries do we need to set up to protect our time together?

• What would help me/us feel more safe and comfortable, allowing for deeper intimacy?

• What habits can we create to foster connection and closeness? 

Have more questions about sex and intimacy in marriage? Register for the Married Sex Conference by clicking here.

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