You Don't Need to Be Their Holy Spirit

Almost two years ago, I heard five words that began to quietly change my heart and outwardly change my marriage: “Don’t be his holy spirit”. I may not remember who spoke those impactful words, but I do remember the immediate, almost quaking shift in my spirit. It wasn’t subtle. The filter I had used to negotiate my thoughts and, quite frankly my tongue, no longer reflected my internal narrative. The narrative that for years had me believing that I knew best for each person in my family from husband to kids alike.

I was convinced that my role as wife and mother could never be as a mere bystander. My sole job as chief wrangler was to ensure they were guided each step of the way which equated to my thoughts and opinions offered early and often.

Have you ever had a quiet moment in prayer, and the only voice you hear is that of a family member, husband, or wife? You’ve quietly petitioned the Lord, asking Him to guide and instruct you in wisdom, and instead of a still small voice it’s an echo of a past reproach or well-meaning, but ill-placed, opinion. How often as spouses or parents do we embody the role of the holy spirit for our family? Our intention is love, but the lifelong consequence may be elevating our own authority over God’s.

The question then becomes how do we partner and parent? We have a responsibility to guide our children (Prov. 22:6) while also being a helpmate to our spouse (Gen. 2:18-22). Scripture instructs us to pursue wisdom, and in the book of Job we learn that wisdom comes with age (Job 12:12). It’s natural and edifying for our children to hear from and be directed by us for a period of time, especially in the younger years when our efforts are focused on laying the groundwork of a strong foundation.

But as they grow and start to form their own responses to the world, we must temper our inclination to orchestrate their thoughts and feelings with our words.

Our instruction must be rooted in and reiterated by God’s word. In doing so we reduce heightened emotional responses when we’re challenged by our children and allow scripture to lead with mercy and grace. How freeing to replace phrases like, “why don’t you ever listen?!” or “stop yelling at your sister!” with scripture that both convicts the heart and becomes background music in the mind of a child! It doesn’t mean there aren’t necessary consequences, but it does mean we start changing the internal soundtrack our children take with them into adulthood.

The gentle whisper they hear when faced with difficult choices shouldn’t be ours. It should be the Holy Spirit’s.

When it comes to the relationship with our spouse, our opinion does (and should) matter. If you’re like me, however, you’ve found yourself offering correction instead of encouragement. Criticism instead of comfort. How often have we admonished our spouse for making a decision or saying something different from us, just for the sake of getting in the last word? Has nagging become a barrier to intimacy or have you thought, “if he/she would do x, y, and z then I could be happy”?

Instead of relying on the Holy Spirit to convict our spouse, we happily assign ourselves the role. Our well-intentioned nudging can be dismissive of the reality that God moves in a timeline outside our own. The change He wants for our spouse-and our relationship-is forged in faith and prayer.  

I am a work in progress, still learning to tame my tongue, especially in marriage. I want my words to reflect the Lord instead of acting as an indictment of who I think my spouse should be. I am learning to listen, being slower to speak when I disagree. It’s hard sometimes. God created a feistiness in me that I know He uses for His glory, but I have often used to win word-wars. The Lord, in His graciousness, is revealing how I can use my words in a way that is most impactful for those I love and cherish.

Now, when I’m most tempted to chime in, I pause. Is what I’m about to say going to condemn or instruct? Am I coming from a place of needing to be right or pointing them right back to Jesus? Often it just means saying less so my family can hear more from God.