How to Handle the Mean Kids

I’m an encourager by nature. I can speak to thousands of women and write countless book pages and blog posts all about how God wants us to love one another, forgive one another, cheer each other on. And I really feel this in my heart. God calls us to impart generous, counter-cultural kindness to others!

But do you want to know when I totally lose it?

Mean kids.

As soon as one of my girls gets slammed by a bully-minded child, all my sweet and light goes out the window. Mama bear takes over, sharpens her claws, and gets ready to pounce.

Hypocritical? Maybe a little. But mostly I think it’s totally on-brand. Because these kids who get all up in my kid’s face? They’re Christians, too. And I hold them to the same standard I hold all believers.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)

So what’s a mom to do when our children get hurt by others who aren’t showing the same love and kindness I expect from my own kids? Well, first we wrestle Mama bear to the ground and shove a muzzle over her fangs. Then we teach our kids by example how to handle the unkindness.

Here are some tips for guiding your kids (and yourself) through “mean kid” situations.

1. Forgive.

I know, it’s the last thing we feel like doing, but it IS a command from God, and that pretty much means a mic-drop. Do it. Done. Besides, we all have bad days and grumpy moods. Maybe this child’s unkindness was a result of a heartache happening in his or her own life. You know the saying… hurt people hurt people. So encourage your son or daughter to give the offender the benefit of the doubt.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

2. Look inward.

Ask your child if he or she had any part to play in the conflict. This is not meant to suggest the other kid’s bad behavior was your child’s fault (blame and shame is NEVER the goal), but it’s a wise practice to examine our own hearts anytime we’re compelled to condemn someone else’s.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23–24)

3. Pray.

Ask God to show you if this is the kind of offense that should just be laid to rest (Proverbs 19:11) or if addressing the issue head-on is the healthiest approach. Then encourage your child to pray with you for the person who hurt them. Ask God to give you a heart of forgiveness and compassion, and to see the “mean kid” the way God sees them.

“Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28).

4. Confront—kindly.

Sometimes we moms need to step in when the issue involves physical harm, danger, or to guide very young kids who aren’t mature enough to “fight” for themselves. Yet if possible, try empowering your child to address the problem directly with the offender—not in anger or by playing the victim, but simply by explaining how that person’s behavior was hurtful and that it’s not acceptable.

Sometimes kids don’t even realize how their words and actions come across. On the other hand, if they do realize the harm they inflict, and their attacks are intentional, then it’s especially important to stand up to the bully—especially if the bully is a brother or sister in Christ.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back” (Matthew 18:15, NLT).

5. Decide if this person is an enemy or friend.

Finally, help your child discern what a true friend looks like. Sadly the “mean kids” are often the people in your child’s social circle, maybe even the kids your child is trying to impress. It’s those frenemies that make life so miserable. Ask your son or daughter: Is this person’s unkind behavior an occasional incident or a constant problem?

True friends will love as Jesus loves. If your child has confronted the other child gently and honestly yet the mean streak continues or turns to ongoing bullying, encourage your son or daughter to pray and forgive—but then let go. Their time and energy are better spent on friends who build them up, not tear them down.

Blessings,
Becky Kopitzke
BeckyKopitzke.com