The Power of Being Transparent in Friendships

“I missed you both last night, more than you’ll ever know,” my phone buzzed with a text from a friend. She and her husband hadn’t been able to attend a gathering at our house the evening before. It continued, “We are in a tough season, marriage-wise. We aren’t or haven’t been on the same page.”

Looking up from the phone, the shock must show in my eyes. My husband, catching sight of my troubled look, frowns in puzzlement. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

I glance back down at the phone, eyes quickly scanning the rest of the message.

“It’s hard. It’s messy. And I know God is working on both of us and that we will come out stronger because of it. Last night we had a long talk and had we come I know I could not have held it together emotionally. I’m sorry. It hurts to have not been there. Can you pray for both of us, please? That we can surrender our pride and control. And that we can see ourselves and each other the way God does.”

My husband’s face still mirrors my concern. Silently, I flash the phone his way so he can grasp the gist of the message.

“Man, that’s rough,” he murmurs quietly, squeezing me gently. We would know.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I respond. “I’m sorry you’re walking through such a tough season. We love both of you and will be praying. Also—you’re not alone, friend. We went through a rough season last year—counseling helped a lot, and we’re stronger because of it.”

I’m grateful for my friend’s honesty, and for giving us the chance to walk alongside her in a challenging season. But I’m also a little ashamed of my lack of transparency during our own difficulties. I’d kept it to myself because no one else seemed to be struggling. Our friends’ marriages looked—on the outside, at least—picture-perfect. Our marriage probably looked that way, too. Admitting otherwise felt like a failure.

It wasn’t until after we’d worked through our challenges that I found the courage to mention parts of what we’d experienced. But now, when my friend is brave enough to tell me she’s struggling, I’m profoundly grateful that I can say, “Me, too.”

Sharing our stories—even the hard ones, especially the hard ones—is what makes the difficult times in life more bearable. When we entrust a friend with the vulnerable pieces of our story, we’ll often find that she’s waiting with a story of her own.

And though I’m grateful that we’re past the valley of our last hard season, I recognize that marriages are for the long haul. There’s a good chance we’ll face other seasons, other hardships, other moments of uncertainty. But next time, I won’t make the same mistake. It’s only when we’re brave enough to entrust our difficulties, humble enough to recognize that we can’t live life on our own, and confident in the love of our friendships and our faith in God to carry us through it all that we can find renewed courage to face each day.

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (ESV)

What stories are you too afraid to tell? Can I encourage you to entrust your story to a friend you trust? You may be surprised to find that you are not alone.

Blessings,

Kristin Demery