Clean Sink, Weary Heart

I can’t control much, but I can control if my sink is full of dirty dishes or clean at the end of the day. This is a statement I said to myself often early in my marriage and my life in ministry. Things were upside down as we were transitioning to a new church God had led us to, trying to sell our home, and caring for a newborn. This little mantra kind of became a running joke within my circle of friends but it also became my way of life — clinging to the tangible things I could control and letting go of all the things I couldn’t. Over our years in ministry, the moves, the babies, the transitions, this mindset stayed although it also evolved. Whether it’s evolution was due to spiritual growth or pure exhaustion (which led to my sink being left full of dirty dishes more nights than I can count) it evolved nonetheless. I began to look for things I could control within myself rather than just tangible things in my surroundings.

I could control how much of my focus was given to the fleeting things of this world: kitchen sink, social media, keeping everything just so, and how much of my focus was given to the things of eternity: reading God’s Word, studying, and praying. I could continue to control and prune my own surroundings or I could let go of the small tangible control I had, just a little so that God could prune me from within.

It’s much easier to control the cleanliness of your kitchen sink, the organization of your pantry, the meticulous balancing of your checking account, the number of miles you run, etc., but it is more difficult to control your tongue, your heart, your actions, and your thoughts because that control is found in surrender. It’s in that surrender that I found freedom. It’s in that surrender that I found more of Jesus. It's in that surrender that I find more of who Jesus wants me to be.

My sink was clean but my heart was weary. My heart longed for someone to take control because my form of control wasn’t enough. So surrender it was. I had already surrendered my life, where we lived, where we served, how we raised our children, but now it was time to surrender my control. In my surrender would He would bless me with the grace to forgive, the strength to hold my tongue, and the faith to press on at the end of the day? Yes, He would and He does daily. There is freedom in surrender. There is a blessing in pruning. There is sanctification in letting go in order to focus on Him.

When the circumstances of this life are outside of our control we can cling to whatever helps us to feel in control. Tangible control is what our flesh seeks but righteous surrender is what our spirit longs for. Having a clean sink or all our ducks in a row may be nice but it isn’t going to shape us into who Jesus has called us to be and it isn’t going to show Him to those around us. It is our surrendered lives filled with a gentle spirit that is slow to anger, quick to listen, full of grace, forgiveness, and humility that will point to the power of Christ within us.