Marriage isn’t meant to be a completion of who we are. Instead, it’s a compliment of one another. Do you put heavy expectations on your spouse and are then disappointed when they aren’t met?

The afternoon of my wedding, I remember standing at the front of the little chapel and thinking, this is it. This is my whole happiness wrapped up in a perfect bow.

The Hopes and Dreams of a New Bride

I was a young bride. Twenty-one and flush with the promises of perfect love, the idea of a future together— more of a dream than a tangible goal. I look back now and smirk at my younger self. She was sweet but naïve. Thank goodness for my confidence (and slight departure from reality).

It covered a multitude of missteps in those early years while ushering in a season of growth and maturity. It took time, though. How many of us were programmed to believe in fairy tales and that romantic comedies were a version of our future reality? How many of us looked for a spouse who made us feel whole, complete, and happy? I know I did.

During a recent sermon, our Pastor disavowed the concept of being made whole or complete by a spouse. My head automatically bobbed up and down, and I could hear murmurs of agreement all around me. I lifted up a silent prayer, thank you Lord that you taught me this early. That it didn’t take twenty-three years to realize he isn’t my everything. Only You are.

“…and in Christ you have been brought to fullness…” (Col 2:10)

Marriage Isn’t a Completion of Ourselves

What does it mean to complement instead of complete in a marriage? Is it wrong to expect our spouse to make us happy? First, happiness can be a fleeting emotion and is often dependent on our circumstances. The expectations we have of our spouse should temper our emotions, not dictate them.

When our spouse does something kind, it’s certainly appropriate and right to experience and embrace the joy that accompanies it. Unmet expectations, especially those we may have failed to communicate, give us an opportunity to rest in the fullness of God’s goodness instead of making a home in disappointment. We can find lasting joy in the marriage relationship by appreciating and embracing our differences.

Life becomes infinitely harder when we designate someone other than God the giver and keeper of our joy. It places them on a pedestal they can never come down from and if they dare stumble, we hold them accountable for our unhappiness even though they’ve just made the mistake of being human.

When my husband and I seem to be off-track, it’s usually because one of us hasn’t communicated an expectation and disappointment follows. I have been guilty of resting in that disappointment instead of acknowledging it and moving on. I have needed the immediate gratification of happiness instead of the peace of joy that comes from abiding faith.

But God is gracious to remind me that He gave me a spouse to complement me and not complete me. By recognizing that God is the only one who can satiate our soul, we release our spouse from the burden of meeting every need and emotion.

The gift of marriage is often discovered in waves. There is a natural ebb and flow of lessons uncovered in the depths of learning to love as Christ loved. It’s an amazing journey, really.

Blessings,

April Cao